Need, Not Want

I need to write, I do not want to.

So I’m forcing myself to type these words.

Why?  Because I know myself.  For the past several years, writing has been my release, my escape.  My way to reduce the pressure of words in my head.  By putting these words in black and white, I am able to see them as they are, and by reading them, I am better able to see myself.

I think that’s why I don’t want to write right now.  I don’t want to see myself.

I have been too full for many months now, and have got used to the feeling.  If I release these words, break the dam that I have slowly and unknowingly built up within myself, I too might be swept away.

But I need to.  Unless I let them out, I will never be free of these words and the feelings they represent.  Even speaking them will not loose them from myself the way that words and sentences, grammar and rhythm, written down will.

Writing is how I have found freedom before.  And I know that in writing I will find freedom again.

So I am forcing myself to type these words.

I need to write, I don’t want to.

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